There are many writings these days that remind us that all we have is the present. We have no power over the past or the future, only the now. Yet we allow our pasts and futures to press in on us, clouding our minds, and crowding out the impact of our current situations and events.
These persistent distractions rob us of being truly present, and fill us with empty experiences. Then, these empty experiences lead to empty memories. If our presents and pasts are empty, we fear that our futures also will be empty.
How does it feel to be with someone who is preoccupied by something in their past, or their future? We all have had the disappointing and uneasy experience of being with someone who is not really "here" - not paying attention, not really focused, not concentrating on what we are saying, not empathizing with us. Our uneasiness reminds us of how important it is for us to develop ways to push back on the past and future, in order to open ourselves up to others more completely.
We can't fix others, but we can pay attention to our own distractions. We can take the time to identify and acknowledge what is preoccupying us. We can find and adopt ways to clear our minds of the specific ways that the past and future press in on us. We can listen to our self-talk.
We can note what we are repeatedly, even insistently telling ourselves, creating the closed loop of messages that dominate our minds. This loop can prevent others from getting close to us.
The Past
How exactly can the past rob us? By our lingering negative feelings. We grieve losses of many sorts. We hold on to resentments and anger. We repeatedly revisit old disappointments with feelings of remorse or guilt. The antidotes are simple, but adopting them takes effort. We can let go of past pains and disappointments, and adopt a more loving and accepting attitude toward ourselves and others, today.
At our core, we all want good things. We always do the best we can. If we could do better, we would. When we know better, we do better. No one of us has a crystal ball. We make the best decisions based on the information we have at the time. No one can predict exactly how any situation will evolve, and what the consequences will be.
Sometimes, looking back, we can see positive results that have come out of tragedy, in ways that we could never anticipate. There is a Chinese expression - "Is it good or is it bad? It's too early to know."
We also can forgive others for the ways that they have hurt us. We can remember that people often play out their own painful feelings when they have been triggered by something we have said or done, even unintentionally. Their words or actions can be generated by unresolved issues from their past or fears of the future. They see us through their own unique filter, and our task is not to take their reactions personally. Often, it's not really about us.
In order to free ourselves from carrying someone's pain and anger, we accept and forgive, so destructive tape loops don't play repeatedly in our heads. We forgive, not to condone hurtful words or actions, but to clear our minds and be more fully in the present.
So, we can accept past decisions, and actions that have caused us hurt. We can forgive ourselves, and flood our memories with loving and compassionate feelings. Hanging on to guilt and regret only cripples us in the present.
Paradoxically, we free ourselves when we accept that we are powerless to change the past.
The Future
What else can prevent us from connecting with others more deeply? Perhaps our preoccupation with the future, which can manifest as fear, or dread. We may fear adverse outcomes, loss, loneliness, pain. Our relationships can be marred by these fears. The more we dread the future, the less we can be available to build meaningfully in the present.
This is another exercise in letting go. We can make consistent efforts to trust. We may not be able to control results, but we can control our efforts. As we face those things over which we have no power, we can remember that we are much bigger than the things that happen to us.
So let us fill our presents, for the rewards are great. As we successfully clear away the preoccupations of past and future, our presents open up - as though time slows down, our senses come alive, and all the world seems more vivid. Our connections with others can be more satisfying. Fully here, concentrating on the present, we create richer memories, and gain confidence while preparing for a meaningful future.
We can create a compelling cycle - replacing old pains, regrets, and fears, with a life well-lived.