Managing Resolutions

Sometimes I am hard on myself. And, I can be hard on myself for being hard on myself.

At this time of year, many of us are deciding to change our approach, set new goals, or generally accomplish more.

We can aim for a change in our behaviour. We can aim for greater patience and more kindness. We can focus on doable accomplishments that will bring feelings of satisfaction.

If we don't complete our new goals perfectly, or in a short period of time, we can give ourselves a break. We can trust that the process will be on-going, and that our resolutions will continue to inspire us.

Let's all celebrate every small step forward.

The Impact of Our Gifts

If we could choose one huge monumental idea, vision, or mission, what would it be? What could it be?

What might deserve our commitment, our time, and our efforts?

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl reminds us that the most profound reasons to live are revealed in our devotion to a person or a cause.

Perhaps we have already chosen. Perhaps we already understand the sacrifices that we are being called to make.

Maybe the biggest, most exciting, most compelling purpose lies ahead. When it is discovered, we can be inspired by the story of the Three Wise Men. When they learned about their guiding star, they believed unwaveringly. They left the comfort of their homes, and set out to offer precious gifts that financed a young family's safe escape to Egypt.

When we find our star and follow it, our devotion, persistence, and all that we offer, can have a huge impact - far beyond what we might imagine.

Kindness Can Be Fostered

One of the guiding principles of Old York Publishing is that kindness can be fostered, and it takes practice.

We all have heard the invitation and challenge to love our neighbours as we love ourselves. This might seem like a tall order.

If we aren't kind, what is missing? What is needed?

There could be a number of reasons why we might be reluctant to extend kindness to others.

Maybe a part of us might be lost. We might feel empty and/or afraid. Our own unresolved pain might get in the way.

The more we show up for ourselves, the more we can show up for others.

It's okay to put on our own oxygen mask first.

photo by cottonbro studio

All People Are Precious

I remember attending a presentation by the Dali Lama. It was a great crowd, with many thousands of people. Somehow, he helped us all feel as though we were relaxing in his company, in a small intimate setting.

He reminded us that we were all born by our mothers - that we have all needed to be held and fed. This vital need for connection is shared by every person. This is a core foundation of our humanity.

In a presentation to a group of children, I invited them to consider all of the babies in the world. I asked, "How many of them deserve to be held and fed and loved?"

Then I asked "How many toddlers deserve to be held and fed and cared for?" Of course, all of them.

"How many preschoolers or growing children, teenagers, or adults, deserve to be cared for, fed, and loved?"

I asked the group:

Do babies choose where they are born?

Are they able to choose the wealth of their native country?

Are they able to choose what they look like?

Those of us who are lucky enough to live in a prosperous area can remind ourselves that we did not earn our good fortune.

We can have compassion on others who are less fortunate than ourselves.

We all deserve to live in an environment where we can be fully cared for, valued, and loved.

A Cheery Message in The Park

With chalk, my granddaughter wrote a charming message on a sidewalk the other day.

"If you are reading this, you're breathing. You have eyes. You're cool too. Have a good day."

I am so proud of my grandchildren and their mother, all of whom have many discussions about life experiences, feelings, and about getting along with others.

The Tragic Association of Inequity and Othering

The most satisfying and fulfilling way of being is to be welcoming and neighbourly. We can accept and appreciate every culture. We can be inspired by their strengths, values, histories, customs, traditions, and maybe even their delicious food!

We all benefit when we take the time to get to know the extraordinary richness of our global community.

Closer to home, we can make a point of enjoying our families, extended families, friends, and friends of friends. We can take the time to celebrate special occasions together, and perhaps develop a habit of sharing a daily meal with loved ones.

photo by cottonbro studio

We, in privileged cultures, might forget that our abundance pours onto us as a result of established systems of wealth-making, most of which happen without our personal contributions. We enjoy the fruits of huge prosperity simply as a result of living in a first-world society. The more we succeed, the more things are skewed in our favour. In general, life gets easier and easier.

Why, with all of the resources of the world, do so many people struggle to have enough, to fulfill their dreams, and to be included in meaningful ways? What causes us to be unmoved by the pain of others? Why, when the rewards can be so great for everyone, is there so much inequity in the world?

The culprit is at least partly greed, but the issue might be much more complex than that. When there is an opportunity to take more than is fair, to enjoy a privilege that others can't have, we can be tempted to demean and degrade those who are less fortunate. When we are the cause of inequity, we sometimes try to cover our guilt or shame by devaluing the people who we hurt. This is the tragic connection between inequity and othering.

One of our most powerful needs is human connection, and choosing to see and value others can change the way we operate in the world.

How Do You Feel?

My son is autistic, and sometimes people misinterpret his facial expressions. I thought about this as I read an article by Brené Brown.

photo by August de Richelieu

As Brené describes, we all can be misunderstood in this way. People have unique ways of showing their emotions or reacting to experiences.

Brené reminds us that it is impossible to know what someone else is experiencing unless we ask, and they trust us enough to tell us. She talks about how we all need to be good stewards of stories - those of others, and of our own.

I find the research and writings of Brené Brown fascinating. She brings an enormous amount of wisdom to the field of human connection. I encourage you to visit her link below.

brenebrown.com/articles/2021/12/05/the-practice-of-story-stewardship

Right or Close?

The other day, I was writing in a lounge area of a supermarket, and fell into conversation with a young man. He mentioned that he was waiting for his girlfriend, with whom he had been having a fight.

photo by Vitaly Gariev

He asked me for some advice about how to deal with her. He said that sometimes she accuses him of saying something that he didn't intend to say at all.

I mentioned that maybe what he said reminded her of a previous unpleasant experience, and she associated the two.

I could have asked him: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be close?"

I could have said that a great gift we can give someone, is to be willing to be wrong, at least until the other person is fully heard.

The young man, instead of arguing, could have just listened, and been supportive of her feelings - how that must have been hurtful or frustrating, etc.

While she might be wrongly accusing him, he could still apologize for whatever part he played in generating this painful situation, and bring up his intention only when she feels validated and comforted.

Sidewalk Etiquette

Recently, I was struggling with a rolling suitcase on Toronto streets and public transit. I was delighted and grateful for the assistance of several warm commuters along the way. One of them carried my bag down a flight of stairs, and onto the subway.

Those who live in places with sidewalks have an opportunity to show consideration for others in a number of ways.

For example, it can be helpful when slower-moving people take the time to see who is behind them, and walk to the right, and we all appreciate it when a group is conscious not to block the whole sidewalk.

Also, when stepping from a doorway, it can be helpful when they are careful to consider the immediate foot traffic around them.

When someone is rude, it can spoil an otherwise lovely outing, and the irritated feelings can linger for hours. We can all make someone's day better, even with simple gestures.

photo by Andre Moura

In fact, how we customarily treat others on our streets sets the tone of our whole community. When we experience consideration, it encourages us to be considerate too.

Kindness can uplift us all.

Tips for a Successful Wishing-Well Ceremony

The Gnarly’s Journey characters have a special place called the Wishing-Well Room where they gather to hash out and resolve their differences together, until they genuinely feel like wishing each other well.

When they have assembled, an upset person describes an issue in their own words without interruption. Then, the group takes a moment to relax, breathe, and collect their thoughts.

The group members acknowledge the situation and the person's feelings as fully as possible, without pronouncing a solution too soon.

Everyone can offer comfort and empathy. When the person is ready, they can take ownership of their part of the issue. They can be encouraged to exchange any blaming words with expressions of understanding. Name-calling or labelling are not productive, nor are using the words “should”, “always” or “never. With no judgments, trust can build.

Everyone can contribute their thoughts and feelings, while acknowledging those of others. All participants can be ready to apologize or forgive - whatever’s appropriate.

Each person is encouraged to risk being vulnerable by clearly asking for what they want or need, by being ready to accept help, and by sealing a reconciliation with a hug or a nod, and wishing everyone well.