The Tragic Association of Inequity and Othering

The most satisfying and fulfilling way of being is to be welcoming and neighbourly. We can accept and appreciate every culture. We can be inspired by their strengths, values, histories, customs, traditions, and maybe even their delicious food!

We all benefit when we take the time to get to know the extraordinary richness of our global community.

Closer to home, we can make a point of enjoying our families, extended families, friends, and friends of friends. We can take the time to celebrate special occasions together, and perhaps develop a habit of sharing a daily meal with loved ones.

photo by cottonbro studio

We, in privileged cultures, might forget that our abundance pours onto us as a result of established systems of wealth-making, most of which happen without our personal contributions. We enjoy the fruits of huge prosperity simply as a result of living in a first-world society. The more we succeed, the more things are skewed in our favour. In general, life gets easier and easier.

Why, with all of the resources of the world, do so many people struggle to have enough, to fulfill their dreams, and to be included in meaningful ways? What causes us to be unmoved by the pain of others? Why, when the rewards can be so great for everyone, is there so much inequity in the world?

The culprit is at least partly greed, but the issue might be much more complex than that. When there is an opportunity to take more than is fair, to enjoy a privilege that others can't have, we can be tempted to demean and degrade those who are less fortunate. When we are the cause of inequity, we sometimes try to cover our guilt or shame by devaluing the people who we hurt. This is the tragic connection between inequity and othering.

One of our most powerful needs is human connection, and choosing to see and value others can change the way we operate in the world.

How Do You Feel?

My son is autistic, and sometimes people misinterpret his facial expressions. I thought about this as I read an article by Brené Brown.

As Brené describes, we all can be misunderstood in this way. People have unique ways of showing their emotions or reacting to experiences.

Brené reminds us that it is impossible to know what someone else is experiencing unless we ask, and they trust us enough to tell us. She talks about how we all need to be good stewards of stories - those of others, and of our own.

I find the research and writings of Brené Brown fascinating. She brings an enormous amount of wisdom to the field of human connection. I encourage you to visit her link below.

brenebrown.com/articles/2021/12/05/the-practice-of-story-stewardship

Right or Close?

The other day, I was writing in a lounge area of a supermarket, and fell into conversation with a young man. He mentioned that he was waiting for his girlfriend, with whom he had been having a fight.

photo by Vitaly Gariev

He asked me for some advice about how to deal with her. He said that sometimes she accuses him of saying something that he didn't intend to say at all.

I mentioned that maybe what he said reminded her of a previous unpleasant experience, and she associated the two.

I could have asked him: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be close?"

I could have said that a great gift we can give someone, is to be willing to be wrong, at least until the other person is fully heard.

The young man, instead of arguing, could have just listened, and been supportive of her feelings - how that must have been hurtful or frustrating, etc.

While she might be wrongly accusing him, he could still apologize for whatever part he played in generating this painful situation, and bring up his intention only when she feels validated and comforted.

Sidewalk Etiquette

Recently, I was struggling with a rolling suitcase on Toronto streets and public transit. I was delighted and grateful for the assistance of several warm commuters along the way. One of them carried my bag down a flight of stairs, and onto the subway.

Those who live in places with sidewalks have an opportunity to show consideration for others in a number of ways.

For example, it can be helpful when slower-moving people take the time to see who is behind them, and walk to the right, and we all appreciate it when a group is conscious not to block the whole sidewalk.

Also, when stepping from a doorway, it can be helpful when they are careful to consider the immediate foot traffic around them.

When someone is rude, it can spoil an otherwise lovely outing, and the irritated feelings can linger for hours. We can all make someone's day better, even with simple gestures.

photo by Andre Moura

In fact, how we customarily treat others on our streets sets the tone of our whole community. When we experience consideration, it encourages us to be considerate too.

Kindness can uplift us all.

Tips for a Successful Wishing-Well Ceremony

The Gnarly’s Journey characters have a special place called the Wishing-Well Room where they gather to hash out and resolve their differences together, until they genuinely feel like wishing each other well.

When they have assembled, an upset person describes an issue in their own words without interruption. Then, the group takes a moment to relax, breathe, and collect their thoughts.

The group members acknowledge the situation and the person's feelings as fully as possible, without pronouncing a solution too soon.

Everyone can offer comfort and empathy. When the person is ready, they can take ownership of their part of the issue. They can be encouraged to exchange any blaming words with expressions of understanding. Name-calling or labelling are not productive, nor are using the words “should”, “always” or “never. With no judgments, trust can build.

Everyone can contribute their thoughts and feelings, while acknowledging those of others. All participants can be ready to apologize or forgive - whatever’s appropriate.

Each person is encouraged to risk being vulnerable by clearly asking for what they want or need, by being ready to accept help, and by sealing a reconciliation with a hug or a nod, and wishing everyone well.

Hope for Family Conflicts

Every family or group occasionally experiences a clash or a struggle. Sometimes, these conflicts are ignored and not resolved for the sake of “peace”, or to protect a participant from the discomfort of accountability.

Often there is a benign conflict in which people want different things at the same time and/or in the same place. Neither person is necessarily bad or wrong; this only means that a compromise may be needed.

Sometimes, one or more of us can get hooked by a word or action, and be flooded with unwieldy emotions from our past. Let's allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Let us embrace our feelings and just let them flow. The resulting release can help us realize what is truly bothering us. It can be helpful to differentiate between our old feelings and our new ones.

Unfortunately, in our culture, women are often expected to take responsibility for much of the acknowledging and peacemaking. We are so much better off when we all soldier through to a resolution where everyone feels heard.

We don’t have to fear communication. Behind any discontent we can hold a huge well of love.

Reforming Familiar Feelings

When children experience mistreatment or neglect, it can change their DNA. It can change who they are. It can change what they expect from others, and from the world in general.

I’ve been thinking about imprinting. I've been thinking about how our experiences often become our norm. Even when those experiences are disappointing or painful, their familiarity can somehow oddly feel comfortable. We have dealt with this before, and we can do it again (the devil we know). For example, we might look for partners with whom we will repeat the same familiar feelings. We all might copy hurtful words and behaviours, even though we have found them unfulfilling and unproductive.

Regardless of our past, let’s find the happiest, warmest, most loving, most understanding and accepting people. Let's hang around them and soak up their loving words and actions, even if this feels awkward or unnatural to us.

Let’s get used to it.

Let us emulate them and create a new way.

Let us be the ancestors who infuse the DNA of future generations with healing and enriching love.

Considering Woke

According to Dictionary dot com, “woke” is described as

photo by Lucia Vergara

1. having or being marked by an active awareness of systemic injustices and prejudices, especially those involving the treatment of ethnic, racial, or sexual minorities

2. disparaging: as used by political opponents, of or relating to a liberal progressive orthodoxy

The goal of using this word in a negative way seems to be two-fold:

1. to discourage us from accepting others, and

2. to encourage us to participate in discouraging others from being empathetic

Is it woke to be aware of all of the cruel injustices in our history? Is it woke to preserve the records of the abuses of our ancestors? Is it woke to ensure that our children have access to books that shed light on the experiences of others, with the intent to promote greater understanding and tolerance?

If being woke is a bad thing, then we might feel reluctant to broaden our perspectives and entertain new insights that can lead to a more caring and accepting society.

3 Ways to Create Peace and Goodwill

This time of year, we hear many messages of hope for peace and goodwill. How can we contribute to these noble goals?

Astronauts have often described a powerful Overview Effect when gazing at Earth.

Earthrise (1968). Apollo 8 astronaut Bill Anders recalled, "When I looked up and saw the Earth coming up on this very stark, beat-up Moon horizon, I was immediately almost overcome with the thought, 'Here we came all this way to the Moon, and yet the most significant thing we’re seeing is our own home planet, the Earth.'"

Maybe we can see others as integral parts of our shared experience. It is an illusion to think that our fates are not inextricably bound together on our home planet. As we focus on our survival, our boundaries and divisions need to become irrelevant.

When we hear comments or opinions that are hate-motivated, we can decide not to repeat them to others. This can be harder than it seems. Out of fear, there can be an urge to align oneself with someone who is perceived to be powerful.

We can measure every thing we do by the amount of goodwill that we generate.

Our Voices For Change

Many interest groups are representing many causes, while creating movements, protests, and demonstrations. Some of these are well organized and well-funded. They provide voices to communities that have not been heard enough, and offer support in their pursuit of acceptance, fairness, and freedom.

Very often, their success depends on their singular focus. However, this necessary focus can create a barrier to understanding other groups.

As we help specific disenfranchised communities, sometimes we inadvertently allow more divisions to be created, or to continue. Each group can vie for limited or fickle media and political attention. As they struggle to maintain their hard-won influence and sustainable funding, it can be difficult not to see other groups as competition.

As my neighbour Ellen wondered, "How do we get all these groups to talk to each other?"

The answer is all around us. We are all in this together and, at our core, we all want and need the same things. When we look deeply, we can see how many goals we share.