Dealing With Our Feelings

How do we get more comfortable with other people? We do this, chiefly by becoming more comfortable with ourselves - that is, with our emotions.

Feelings are just fleeting sensations in our bodies. Any emotional pain or discomfort we feel along with them is generated by the story we are telling ourselves at the same time. But we can change the story. We can ride out the sensations.

Feelings well up, and if given sufficient time and attention, they will subside. They will flow through, and out of us, and we can heal. This is a natural process.

How do we do this? We begin by noticing where the feelings reside within us. Do we have tightness in our stomach? In our chest? In our throat? Our back? As we keep focusing on a sensation, we become aware that it is changing, or moving. We can allow the feeling, and follow it as it weakens and dissipates.

Often, as it goes, realizations come to us. Yes, we really are afraid, or angry, or sad. Yes, that situation is really tough! We can listen to the messages that our bodies carry, hear them, and then consciously release their hold.

We are bigger than anything that happens to us. We are still standing. We are still here, and we'll be here long after the sensations have faded. We can go on.

6 Ways to Build Rapport

1. When meeting someone, pay close attention to them for at least a few minutes.

2. Establish eye contact, but not too intensely.

3. Estimate their level of energy, on a scale of 1 to 10, then match it.

4. Keep the conversation about them. Be curious. Ask them non-judgmental questions about their current situation, life, etc.

5. Offer a neutral attitude to any surprising revelations. There are always reasons for what people do. These reasons may not seem connected to the present. A person can be reacting to life from behind a filter that is very real to them. Our responses can be different, yet fundamentally, we all want and need the same things.

6. Continue to listen actively. Offer feeling-based feedback (e.g. "I hear you", "That must be frustrating!", "That's exciting!", etc.)

A Growing Impetus

Leaders around the world are mobilizing. They are speaking out, and writing about the broken divisions in our society.

Educational scholars and other community leaders are creating and endorsing materials that promote positive and healing messages.

Book award groups and reviewers are more focused than ever on publications that promote kindness and understanding.

Parents, caregivers, and teachers are seeking out useful tools to teach communication skills and community-building (Social and Emotional Learning - SEL).

All of us together are charged with shaping the next generation to feel less isolated, less afraid, and less angry.

It is possible to head off hatred and bullying before they start.

Most importantly, we can demonstrate just how much fun getting along can be.

Social Fabric Transformed

For the first time in the history of the world, there are two generations of young people who have been raised with computers. The amount of exposure to screens is revolutionary. The numbers of hours with video games, TV, computers, iPads, and cell phones, etc., are transforming the landscape for todays children and their parents.

While this has created an explosion of knowledge, and unprecedented exposure to the broader world, paradoxically, it has also created a massive yearning for deeper connection and community that cannot be met by text messages, by computer games, or by social media.

Our Bedrock Values

We all need to reclaim and practice our bedrock values – those with which no reasonable person can disagree – values that embody or transcend all other belief systems.

Let us all evaluate our words and actions by these measures:

Are they

Encouraging? Inspiring? Life-Affirming?

Tolerant? Accepting? Forgiving?

Freeing? Healing? Inclusive? Uniting?

Are they Kind? Are they Loving?

As we learn and grow, and make our way imperfectly in the world, let us all respond to one another in these positive ways.

What We Need

Our deepest needs are universal. We all need to feel heard, understood, accepted, and appreciated.

To feel heard is to feel understood.

To feel understood is to feel accepted.

To feel accepted is to feel loved.

We need to be encouraged, in a non-judgmental way, to be our best selves. We need to feel included - to feel that we belong.

We need to have our dreams and aspirations taken seriously – to have others believe in us. We need to contribute our unique gifts in ways that are meaningful to us.

We all crave praise and thanks. It is important to have others stand with us, and offer concrete help when needed.

Sometimes we need to be comforted, and perhaps to be held.

Trusting the Flow of the Moment

In the New Year, many of our thoughts are about taking stock of where we are. We consider the changes that we'd like to make, and the things that we'd like to accomplish in the months ahead. Yet, so many obstacles can seem to get in the way.

photo by Andrew Neel

I am encouraged by this quote:

“The ship is always off-course. Sailing is being off-course and correcting.”

– Michael Meade

There is a secret voice in me that criticizes me for the zigzag nature of my progress - the seemingly endless side trips and interruptions as I pursue my goals.

But as I look back, things have been getting done. Maybe not at the speed I’d like, but tasks which seemed to loom forever are complete and gone from my To Do list.

I need to give myself credit, and take a breather before diving in to the next obligation. I can look around, soak up my surroundings, and allow my rest to restore me.

And when I am ready to get back to my goals, I can remember that there is time, and that time will seem to expand as I focus and trust the flow of the moment.

A Universal Symbol of Good and Hope

Light and dark play key roles in the story of Gnarly's Journey, in which fear of darkness is overcome by love. The book offers a story of how we have annual holiday lights around the world. Most cultural and religious groups respond to the metaphor of light.

photo by cottonbro studio

Part of the Diwali tradition is the celebration of the triumph of light over darkness, and the renewing of a commitment to pursue good.

Our Jewish friends also celebrate a Festival of Lights. Hanukkah, commemorates the reclaiming of religious freedom by their ancestors, and the miraculously-enduring light of their menorah.

In the Christmas story, a bright star guides the way to Bethlehem.

This time of year also includes spiritually-significant days for other groups. Muslims celebrate Ashura, sometimes with bonfires. Buddhists observe Bodhi Day, a celebration of Siddhartha Gautama's determination to sit until he achieved enlightenment, a word derived from "light".

Zoroastrians' Yalda, and Yuletide - both mark the Winter solstice - the shortest day of the year and the promise of the return of light and warmth.

While the celebration of Kwanzaa focuses on the accomplishments of extraordinary black people throughout history, anyone is welcome to participate. One small way to join in, is to light candles at home.

In many Asian cultures, fire-works light up the sky as part of their New Year holidays. Mistakes of the past are washed away, and new beginnings are celebrated.

No matter what our cultural or religious backgrounds, we all can be uplifted by light, and challenged to face the uncovered in our lives. We can acknowledge our shortcomings, make amends, and resolve to stay on paths that are guided by our deep desire for good, for hope, for peace, and for love.

The Happy Moves

Sometimes as we experience our feelings, we can feel overwhelmed. However, it is important that we not deny them. We can remember that, as we pay attention to them, they usually will subside.

If we find that our negative feelings are persisting and holding us back, we do have the power to change them. There are tools we can apply to help us gain a greater sense of control over our emotions.

To cheer themselves up, the North Pole troupe in Gnarly's Journey love to do what they call The Seven Happy Moves. It’s very hard to stay sad while doing these actions:

1. grin, and keep smiling, just for the fun of it

2. stand tall and look up

3. take deep breaths until you feel relaxed and strong

4. eat some fruit, for energy

5. imagine that you are doing what you love to do

6. group hugs

7. everybody laughs together

When emotions need more attention, the Wishing-Well Ceremony, introduced in Chapter 5, offers a guide to work out unresolved issues and feelings.

Three Acts of Kindness

People who serve us have real power to brighten our day.

At a grocery checkout, I was conscious of the lineup behind me. I placed my many tins of on-sale cat food on the counter. Two kind women behind me told me not to rush, and that there was lots of time. As I gathered my tins, one of them reached forward to help me. So nice!

photo by Pavel Danilyuk

Later, at a different store, I put my items on the conveyor belt, and the young woman serving me noticed an item that was on sale, but a different brand. She mentioned it, and warmly offered to wait while I grabbed the one that was less expensive. Perhaps she was tired, and wanted to finish her shift, but she took the time for me.

Recently, I needed some medication. I called the pharmacy, and my pharmacist answered. I acknowledged that he might be finished for the day. They were closed, but he graciously offered to meet me by the side door. I hurried over. He opened the door and handed me my prescription!

I believe that people are inherently good. When we see acts of kindness, there is a universally warm response.