Younger generations are leading the way. I have hope that they will relegate so many tragedies of abuse to the history books.
As their hormones are surging, it can be difficult for our youth to be aware of the far-reaching impact of sexual and other improprieties. They need language and realizations that were not available to so many of their elders.
A lack of information can lead to history repeating itself through the generations. A child's experience can become an imprint to perpetuate. We can change this direction because when we know better, we do better.
For example, parents and siblings can be aware of the need to protect and guide younger ones, and not take advantage of any imbalance of power within the family. They can help to reinforce respectful distances and privacy, while affirming normal feelings. They can be careful when rough-housing or wrestling to ensure that faces, hands, feet, and even knees and elbows don't invade private parts.
At every age from pre-school on, children may naturally explore feelings and the differences of bodies. In a supportive and protected environment, without guilt or recrimination, they can be encouraged to develop a sense of privacy and healthy connections with others. It can and should be explained to our youth that another's pleasant feelings are not licence to take advantage, ever.
Most importantly, if a child reports an invasive action that has made them uncomfortable, it is paramount that they are believed and the situation is taken seriously. Following a report of an impropriety, it needs to be emphasized that looking, touching, or paying any attention whatsoever to another's private parts is off-limits. In some situations, sleeping, dressing, and bathing might need to be strictly separate.
Sexual feelings are universal and not inherently wrong. However, because they come with very complex dynamics, they are not to be shared with others until maturity. In the same way we limit driving and alcohol consumption until people are of legal age, we also limit sexual contact until one is old enough to make the distinctions necessary to express physical feelings in a healthy way. This is called the age of consent.
In the meantime, it's important for young people to be able to distinguish between platonic hugs and sexually-charged actions, and practice setting clear boundaries for themselves and others.
Power plays a huge part in unhealthy sexual contact. There are many reasons why a victim can feel helpless. How vulnerable are we to coercion, gas lighting, social or financial pressures, fear of being rejected, or even fear for our safety or survival?
Despite our inherent need to please, we all need to be able to say "No".
If someone has been violated, it can take decades for them to acknowledge what happened, and to shore up the courage to speak out.
Interfering with, and invading someone's boundaries and right to a private self have far-reaching consequences. Lives can be ruined. Victims can struggle to overcome a fundamental inability to trust, the trauma of unresolved pain, the weight of false guilt - feeling to blame for what happened to them. Sexual feelings can be associated with feelings of betrayal, isolation, even cruelty. They can carry distorted views of their own autonomy, self-worth, dignity and value, lowered expectations for love and regard, and with an insecure sense of their place in society and the world.
Sadly, if damaged young people do mature and become emotionally ready to develop a healthy bond with an equal partner, they can be robbed of the joyful discovery of sexual attraction within the context of a loving relationship.
We can be aware that sexual predators and abusers choose children they perceive to be vulnerable, which could include children who have been molested. Kids with a keen sense of what's right for them will be better at detecting and avoiding dicey situations.
Perpetrators also suffer the loss of legitimate connections. Also, if their deeds are exposed, even years or decades later, they can feel painful remorse, and see their families, careers, and status in their community shattered by these revelations. Broken relationships, ruined reputations, addictions, mental illness including depression and psychotic breaks, incarceration, even suicide can be the results for the abused and the abuser.
Leaders of society can step in to help prevent invasive and illicit behaviour. Teachers, care givers, social workers, child services agents, family therapists, medical personnel, marriage counsellors, religious, community and group leaders, sports and theatre coaches, camp counsellors, police and the courts, including juvenile detention centres, can honour their responsibility to hear, support, and protect victims.
As leaders step up to help, and as young people are educated, we can turn the tide of society away from so much pain, fear, and division.
We can turn the tide toward Love.
