Maybe as Valentine Day approaches, we take stock of our relationships, their presence or absence, their quality. Maybe we wish we were loved more than we are. The word love has so many meanings that it is often difficult to convey to others just what we need.
Take a fictional couple, for example. For one, love is equated with adventure and excitement, while for the other, love means stability and security. Their journey toward closeness will involve lots of inner speculation, honest communication and, no doubt, compromise.
photo by Vanessa Garcia
Some time ago, Harville Hendrix wrote a ground-breaking book called "Getting the Love You Want". He has an optimistic view of the choices we make for our partners. We instinctively choose someone who will challenge us in deep ways. Old unresolved pains and fears are sparked by the other person, and our trust is tested.
In a healthy relationship, couples courageously hang in, air their grievances, struggle through their aggravation and discomfort, face and own their own pain and disappointments, feel heard and accepted, and heal.
The couple approaches the challenge as a team. Confidence builds and the next challenge can also be faced successfully. Their bond strengthens as they understand one another better, support one another, and adjust their words and behaviour to accommodate the other's needs.
To uncover the love-needs which are unique to us, he suggests that we imagine ourselves as a much younger version of ourselves, walking through our childhood home. We encounter our chief caregiver. Then Hendrix invites us to ask two questions: 1. What would you want that parent/caregiver to say to you? This is what we want to hear from our current partner now.
And 2. What would you like to tell that person? This is what we most want to say to our counterparts now.
In "Messages From the Universe", Mike Dooley writes that there are so many things that we weren’t taught to say to ourselves. Words matter, and they can heal mightily. We can be a deeply-loving person for ourselves as well as for others.