What We Need

Our deepest needs are universal. We all need to feel heard, understood, accepted, and appreciated.

To feel heard is to feel understood.

To feel understood is to feel accepted.

To feel accepted is to feel loved.

We need to be encouraged, in a non-judgmental way, to be our best selves. We need to feel included - to feel that we belong.

We need to have our dreams and aspirations taken seriously – to have others believe in us. We need to contribute our unique gifts in ways that are meaningful to us.

We all crave praise and thanks. It is important to have others stand with us, and offer concrete help when needed.

Sometimes we need to be comforted, and perhaps to be held.

Trusting the Flow of the Moment

In the New Year, many of our thoughts are about taking stock of where we are. We consider the changes that we'd like to make, and the things that we'd like to accomplish in the months ahead. Yet, so many obstacles can seem to get in the way.

photo by Andrew Neel

I am encouraged by this quote:

“The ship is always off-course. Sailing is being off-course and correcting.”

– Michael Meade

There is a secret voice in me that criticizes me for the zigzag nature of my progress - the seemingly endless side trips and interruptions as I pursue my goals.

But as I look back, things have been getting done. Maybe not at the speed I’d like, but tasks which seemed to loom forever are complete and gone from my To Do list.

I need to give myself credit, and take a breather before diving in to the next obligation. I can look around, soak up my surroundings, and allow my rest to restore me.

And when I am ready to get back to my goals, I can remember that there is time, and that time will seem to expand as I focus and trust the flow of the moment.

A Universal Symbol of Good and Hope

Light and dark play key roles in the story of Gnarly's Journey, in which fear of darkness is overcome by love. The book offers a story of how we have annual holiday lights around the world. Most cultural and religious groups respond to the metaphor of light.

photo by cottonbro studio

Part of the Diwali tradition is the celebration of the triumph of light over darkness, and the renewing of a commitment to pursue good.

Our Jewish friends also celebrate a Festival of Lights. Hanukkah, commemorates the reclaiming of religious freedom by their ancestors, and the miraculously-enduring light of their menorah.

In the Christmas story, a bright star guides the way to Bethlehem.

This time of year also includes spiritually-significant days for other groups. Muslims celebrate Ashura, sometimes with bonfires. Buddhists observe Bodhi Day, a celebration of Siddhartha Gautama's determination to sit until he achieved enlightenment, a word derived from "light".

Zoroastrians' Yalda, and Yuletide - both mark the Winter solstice - the shortest day of the year and the promise of the return of light and warmth.

While the celebration of Kwanzaa focuses on the accomplishments of extraordinary black people throughout history, anyone is welcome to participate. One small way to join in, is to light candles at home.

In many Asian cultures, fire-works light up the sky as part of their New Year holidays. Mistakes of the past are washed away, and new beginnings are celebrated.

No matter what our cultural or religious backgrounds, we all can be uplifted by light, and challenged to face the uncovered in our lives. We can acknowledge our shortcomings, make amends, and resolve to stay on paths that are guided by our deep desire for good, for hope, for peace, and for love.

The Happy Moves

Sometimes as we experience our feelings, we can feel overwhelmed. However, it is important that we not deny them. We can remember that, as we pay attention to them, they usually will subside.

If we find that our negative feelings are persisting and holding us back, we do have the power to change them. There are tools we can apply to help us gain a greater sense of control over our emotions.

To cheer themselves up, the North Pole troupe in Gnarly's Journey love to do what they call The Seven Happy Moves. It’s very hard to stay sad while doing these actions:

1. grin, and keep smiling, just for the fun of it

2. stand tall and look up

3. take deep breaths until you feel relaxed and strong

4. eat some fruit, for energy

5. imagine that you are doing what you love to do

6. group hugs

7. everybody laughs together

When emotions need more attention, the Wishing-Well Ceremony, introduced in Chapter 5, offers a guide to work out unresolved issues and feelings.

Three Acts of Kindness

People who serve us have real power to brighten our day.

At a grocery checkout, I was conscious of the lineup behind me. I placed my many tins of on-sale cat food on the counter. Two kind women behind me told me not to rush, and that there was lots of time. As I gathered my tins, one of them reached forward to help me. So nice!

photo by Pavel Danilyuk

Later, at a different store, I put my items on the conveyor belt, and the young woman serving me noticed an item that was on sale, but a different brand. She mentioned it, and warmly offered to wait while I grabbed the one that was less expensive. Perhaps she was tired, and wanted to finish her shift, but she took the time for me.

Recently, I needed some medication. I called the pharmacy, and my pharmacist answered. I acknowledged that he might be finished for the day. They were closed, but he graciously offered to meet me by the side door. I hurried over. He opened the door and handed me my prescription!

I believe that people are inherently good. When we see acts of kindness, there is a universally warm response.

Empathy and Kindness Can Be Fostered

There is a lot of emphasis on hate speech and hate crimes in the media these days, with government officials and community leaders calling for action among their own members and the general public.

Yes, we need strong unifying messages, and stronger laws addressing a broader range of damaging acts based in bigotry and discrimination.

photo from piqsels

I am interested in how we can head off hate before it takes root. How do we help children develop empathy and tolerant attitudes? What do children need to experience in order to become more comfortable with others?

In Gnarly's Journey, I introduce a number of avenues to explore. Some goals are to help children learn how gratifying it can be to work together in a diverse group, how satisfying it is to be heard and accepted, and how rewarding it is to hear and accept others.

Perhaps if children place themselves in the story, and vicariously experience the kindness and the redemption of the different characters, they may assimilate some more positive ways of being. When exposed to healing language, they can be more prepared to use it themselves.

How great will it be when children become more aware of situations that can cause pain, learn to avoid them, and choose kinder and more productive alternatives. As they practice their new skills, children can develop the confidence to support and defend others when they see them being hurt.

Healing Words

Healing phrases can be heard when they are needed the most. Their impact can be deep and lasting, especially when they are accompanied by actions that genuinely demonstrate love and understanding.

Maybe we don't always notice what others are telling us. Maybe we don't respond as well as we’d like. Maybe we are out of practise. Perhaps we haven't had good role models. We can always learn to do better. Opportunities to heal ourselves and others will appear.

photo by Pixabay

Here are some phrases that we can try:

I'm listening. I hear you. Tell me more. How are you feeling?

That must be... (discouraging, frustrating, gratifying, etc.)

I understand what you're saying. I see what you mean.

I understand how you might feel that way.

I believe you. That rings true.

Selling A House In An Incomplete Culture

Some peoples have endured centuries of overt and intentional oppression. In this blog post, I am looking at just one specific aspect of the way that this tragedy continues.

Reportedly, there will be $3.3 million spent on educating Canadians on systemic racism.

Like a fish in water, when some of us live lives of relative privilege, it can be difficult to see or comprehend the challenges that others may face as they try to get ahead in life.

People of colour can pay different amounts for houses, cars, insurance, etc., based on their ethnicity. They can be less likely to receive bank loans, or a favourable interest rate.

photo from CBC News

Recently, the CBC did a piece on appraisals for houses. When journalists of different ethnicities separately posed as the homeowner, there were discrepancies with the appraisals.

Privileged people may not be aware that others are denied acceptance into schools/colleges/universities of their choice, and might have less access to scholarships. It might escape their notice when others are denied jobs, paid less, or promoted less frequently.

These examples indicate that, over time, in our society, it can be much more difficult for some people to acquire wealth. These financial hurdles demonstrate a key aspect of systemic racism.

Love Is Like A River

I recently, saw a re-run of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday program with Father Richard Rohr, and was deeply touched by his observations.

photo by Liza Summer

Paraphrasing a couple of his insights, he said that we are not free until we are free from ourselves, and love is the answer.

He reminded us that, fortunately, love is everywhere, like a river pouring down on us, and as necessary as water itself for our survival.

Love enables us to accept, forgive, and free ourselves and others.

If we feel that we don't deserve to be loved: Pastor Rohr reminds us that, like water, love does not seek the highest places, but the lowest. If we muster the courage to take it in, love flows exactly and constantly to where we need it the most.

A Delightful Incident of Serendipity

Some time ago, before the pandemic, I was coming home on the street car, after a long overnight shift at a group home for women.

As it was rush hour for most people just heading in to work, the car was crowded. Luckily, a young man relinquished his seat for me, and it was one of the few wide ones in the car.

I sat down gratefully, looked up, and saw two small women in front of me who looked exhausted. I invited them to join me on the seat. There was plenty of room.

I commented that they looked tired, and they said that they had been on their feet all night. I said that I had been too.

Then, to make a little conversation to break the ice, I said, "We should all get medals or a plaque, presented to us at a banquet where they make thank-you speeches in our honour".

They broke into flushed smiles at this idea.

Here is the remarkable part: a young woman now standing in front of us said, "You won't believe this, but I work at a company that makes medals and plaques!"

I commented that her job must be rewarding, to be working with a company that creates and offers physical expressions of appreciation to people so that their efforts are publicly acknowledged.

After our surprising exchange, the four of us shared a warm vibe for the rest of the trip.