Handling Envy and Jealousy

Seeing material goods or advantages of others can cause us to feel wistful. When this happens, we can look inside. By identifying our desired feelings of satisfaction, we can determine how we can generate those feelings for ourselves, in our own unique ways.

photo by 101dalmatians

When I focus on this approach, it makes it easy for me to be happy for someone else's good fortune. Their enjoyment can be the impetus for me to pursue more vigorously the experiences or things I want for myself.

Sometimes it seems that others are encouraging us to feel envious or jealous. Why might they do this? While we can't really know the motivations of others, there is always a reason for what people do. Maybe a lack of love or acceptance has created feelings of inadequacy in them, and they are trying to compensate by inflating their perceived worth with self-determined status symbols.

Instead of reacting (and buying in) to attempts to create an uncomfortable feeling in us, perhaps we can choose to open our hearts, and regard those around us with compassion.

We can also be aware that if we inspire feelings of envy in others, our deep warm connections can be limited. At our core, all of us want to be close. None of us needs to let feelings of envy or jealousy get in the way.

Fellow Travellers

I was on the subway, when two big handsome black guys sat down beside me.

They were chatting pleasantly in what seemed to me to be an African language. I was enjoying their wam enthusiasm.

It occurred to me that maybe, occasionally, their exchanges with some people in the city might not be pleasant. I thought I might add some extra cheer to their day.

The one seated closest to me was wearing a beautiful white hoodie. As I got up to leave, I said "I love your hoodie. My son wants one like that. He's a nice big guy like you."

They both beamed at me as I left the train.

Almost Helping on a Hot Day

I was standing in a long, slow line the other day, and a fellow ahead of me had several large cases of carbonated drinks piled high on a dolly. He had the demeanour of a delivery person.

We were waiting several minutes when, to pass the time, I rather boldly smiled at him, and said, "I suppose people sometimes ask you if you are very thirsty."

He looked at me seriously. I thought he was going to express discomfort, and brush me off.

But instead, he said, "Yes, I am really thirsty."

I was charmed by his honesty, and the irony of his situation. I had compassion on his plight because the line didn't move for another several minutes.

Later, it occurred to me that I could have picked up a small bottle of water and offered it to him, with a request that he give me back the empty bottle, so I could pay for it. I knew the cashier by name, and had her trust, so this would have been okay. It didn't occur to me because I rarely buy bottled water.

From now on, I can redouble my efforts to think of creative ways to be helpful.

A Plea to Connect The Dots and Respond

Almost every day, we see on the news that a young person has stabbed or shot someone, and when the investigation digs into their past, it is invariably very sad. They were often neglected or abused, and grew up feeling unloved and unwanted.

Many people suffer tragedies in their childhood, but somehow heal, and go on to live happy, productive lives. Very often, what makes the difference is that at some point, they have been heard, and learned that they matter - they have value. And along the way, they have learned how to love, even devoting themselves to others, so that they won't have to endure the same pain.

If all school children can be exposed to healing language, and have a chance to practise listening, and community-building, how much long-term suffering and violence might be prevented?

We can't know the answer to this right away, but surely it is vital to try to do what we can, when we have the opportunity.

An Empathetic Cat, A Kind Crow, and A Selfless Dog

There are thousands of astonishing stories of service and rescue animals defending and saving lives, and providing comfort and assistance in extraordinary circumstances.

photo by Elina Volkova

Even our pets can connect with us more than we know. Recently, while my cat was lying near my feet, I felt a wave of relief as an on-going difficult challenge was finally overcome. He immediately began to purr loudly.

I heard a story about a girl who accidentally made friends with a crow. Apparently, she had dropped some food, on a regular basis, and the bird happily accepted. The girl's mother suggested that they buy some food for their new friend. One day, while some distance away, the mother was taking photos and dropped and left behind her lens cap. When she got home, she saw the crow leave the lens cap by their bird feeder.

Some time ago, while my friend and I were crossing a street, my dog, in an instant, blocked our way so suddenly that we almost tripped over her. Right in front of us, a car turned abruptly. It came within a hair of hitting her. She had placed herself in harm's way to save us.

It is comforting to appreciate that we are integral parts of the natural world. We all benefit from the symbiotic connections of all living things.

Gnarly's Journey: An Overview

While this blog is usually devoted to insights about relationships and connections, I want to make a few observations about my book, Gnarly's Journey.

While the book is written with concrete examples and language, it is a parable. Two versions of society collide. There is pain and struggle, then redemption and triumph.

drawing by Eileen Samuel

A grumpy, bossy gnome gets stranded at the North Pole about a month before Christmas. What happens is a cultural clash with the elves, and the resulting chaos only begins to be resolved when his hidden pain is revealed. The happy result is far beyond his wildest expectations.

One of the reasons that I wrote Gnarly's Journey was to offer some ways to head off hurtful words and behaviour before they become entrenched, especially for elementary school children, who are forming groups for the first time.

When we know and accept ourselves, we can know and accept others. I believe that kindness and empathy can be fostered, and when these are experienced, they can be shared more easily.

Gnarly's Journey is a story with many examples of wish-fulfillment. Children can immerse themselves in a world in which they might want to live. They can imagine the warmth of the North Pole community, and be given words and actions that can help them to duplicate these positive and healthy experiences.

Many communities have figured out how to live without discrimination and intolerance, and with joy and peace, and a lot of fun.

Offering Encouragement

When people trust us enough to tell us about their hopes, and dreams, they might feel vulnerable. They might place a lot of weight on what we say to them. We might hold their confidence in our hands.

Even if we have our doubts about their deeply-held wishes, Before we offer any opinions, we need to gain their trust that we are coming from a place of truly wanting them to succeed.

Once we have successfully conveyed our best intentions, perhaps we can offer an occasional suggestion.

To show our support, here are some encouraging phrases that we can try:

photo by Katerina Holmes

I believe in you. You are amazing.

You are able to do so many things. You have figured out how to solve lots of challenges already. You can find a way. Keep going, one step at a time.

I wish you everything wonderful and good.

I'm sending you mountains of energy and love.

Come And Be!

Some of us have experienced Europe as a place where the emphasis is on being, and enjoying each day. Here in North America, there seems to be more of an emphasis on doing, and achieving.

We can be left with a feeling that we haven't done enough. Then, we can be left with a feeling that we aren't good enough.

There are some encouraging words that we can say to ourselves and to others.

When our family members welcome people into our home - friends and other guests - we say, "come and be, come and be". That means that no particular words or actions are expected - just enjoy yourself!

photo by Nicole Michalou

When my children were small, I would say to them, "I love your you", and I'd encourage them to say, "I love my me."

We are infinitely precious; we are one of a kind.

We are complete. We aren't perfect, and we don't have to be; we can be learning and growing. Nothing can affect our profound innate self-worth.

We are enough.

A Big Albertan Heart

Years ago, I was driving a rental car on Highway 2, north from Calgary, and headed toward Red Deer when the vehicle suddenly died. I pulled over, contemplating my next move, when a pickup truck pulled in front of me and stopped.

I had a short-lived pang of uneasiness, but a laid-back fellow sauntered over and, through my window, asked me to pop the hood. He said he'd have a look.

photo by Paul H

He quickly came back to my window, said I needed a small part, and that there was a garage just up the road.

In no time at all, it seemed, he was back. He popped in the part, asked me to try the motor, which purred, closed the hood, and told me I was good to go.

I wanted to pay him. I asked him how much for the part and his time. He graciously declined my offer, got in his truck and was on his way.

I am warmed by that memory every time I think of it.

Sharing Values & Aims with Educational Leaders

The Toronto District School Board and the Ontario Ministry of Education have created many policies and programs focused on getting along well. Our common values and aims include:

- the dignity, worth, and individual needs and diverse social identities of every child

- reinforcing a culture of fairness, equity, anti-oppression, human rights and social justice

- building a culture of trust, and a sense of belonging, with an emphasis on supporting positive behaviour and joint problem-solving.

- effectively promoting the values and skills needed for a healthy, inclusive, accepting, peaceful, responsible, and democratic society

- challenging unconscious bias, creating, maintaining, and promoting communities free from discrimination and harassment, where all feel welcome and are included and respected

- to ensure that students and/or readers of Gnarly's Journey feel that they belong, are heard, accepted, safe, supported, and cared for through the creation of positive climates that reflect themselves, value their voices, and foster a culture of mutual respect and healthy relationships

- to highlight environments that embed principles of equity, anti-oppression, anti-racism, acceptance and inclusion, and support the safety, dignity, health, and well-being of all

We at Old York Publishing believe that Gnarly's Journey can make a significant contribution toward helping elementary school-aged students become more comfortable with themselves, and with others, giving them positive words and actions to use - to head off isolation and bullying before they become entrenched.