Feeling Isolated During The Holidays

Amidst the joy of the season, there is loneliness.

This time of year can be difficult for a lot of people, and there are no cliches or simple pieces of advice that can take away the pain of not being with loved ones, or not having loved ones at all.

photo by Any Lane from Pexels

Part of the challenge of our human experience is to examine the richness of our interior lives. When we have neglected to care for ourselves throughout the year, the holidays can be more painful. When we have been staying in touch with our own feelings, wants and needs, and have been appreciating our own company, we can be more resilient. We can be more able to face the challenge of special occasions, which might not seem to include us.

Another opportunity for growth at this time of year is to consider how we might develop more fulfilling relationships. What has been getting in the way? We can consider different approaches.

We can look in a fresh way at the circumstances of others. With greater understanding, we can be open to more closeness and fulfilling connections.

Our moods are lifted when we bring joy to others. Perhaps we can make a list of neighbours that we call on holidays, drop a card at their door, or find a place to volunteer. Even though we might not feel like making an effort, we will be glad we did.

We might even make a new friend.

Open Hearts and Closed Hearts

We know the difference. We know what each of these feels like.

Keeping an open heart is a better experience.

How can we facilitate this?

One way is to focus on the good and the positive, as much as possible.

As we all spend so much more time on the internet these days, we can consciously choose the types of messages and information that we receive. There are myriad stories of kindness, generosity, and thoughtfulness.

I like to look at Good News Network, Good Net, and kindness quotes on Good Reads, etc.

It's difficult to retain negative emotions while focusing on heart-warming stories. Walt Whitman said: "Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."

In Gnarly's Journey, the characters practice their Happy Moves - especially when they are troubled. They know that no matter what happens to us, our great freedom is that we can choose our reactions to any situation, and influence our own feelings.

Where in our lives are we challenged to approach situations with an open heart?

Healing Our Society One Child at a Time

No childhood is free from pain. We all have been hurt and disappointed.

Perhaps we have felt alone, or betrayed in some profound way.

How do we mitigate the effects of suffering, especially of those who cannot find answers themselves because they are too young?

When we Hear, Empathize, Accept, and Love, children can HEAL, and then be able to experience life in a more positive way.

The power of this process cannot be overestimated. Emotionally strong children will grow up to create more positive families and societies.

When we build a world with warmth and acceptance, we ensure a better future for us all.

Distractions of the Past and Future

There are many writings these days that remind us that all we have is the present. We have no power over the past or the future, only the now. Yet we allow our pasts and futures to press in on us, clouding our minds, and crowding out the impact of our current situations and events.

These persistent distractions rob us of being truly present, and fill us with empty experiences. Then, these empty experiences lead to empty memories. If our presents and pasts are empty, we fear that our futures also will be empty.

How does it feel to be with someone who is preoccupied by something in their past, or their future? We all have had the disappointing and uneasy experience of being with someone who is not really "here" - not paying attention, not really focused, not concentrating on what we are saying, not empathizing with us. Our uneasiness reminds us of how important it is for us to develop ways to push back on the past and future, in order to open ourselves up to others more completely.

We can't fix others, but we can pay attention to our own distractions. We can take the time to identify and acknowledge what is preoccupying us. We can find and adopt ways to clear our minds of the specific ways that the past and future press in on us. We can listen to our self-talk.

We can note what we are repeatedly, even insistently telling ourselves, creating the closed loop of messages that dominate our minds. This loop can prevent others from getting close to us.

The Past

How exactly can the past rob us? By our lingering negative feelings. We grieve losses of many sorts. We hold on to resentments and anger. We repeatedly revisit old disappointments with feelings of remorse or guilt. The antidotes are simple, but adopting them takes effort. We can let go of past pains and disappointments, and adopt a more loving and accepting attitude toward ourselves and others, today.

At our core, we all want good things. We always do the best we can. If we could do better, we would. When we know better, we do better. No one of us has a crystal ball. We make the best decisions based on the information we have at the time. No one can predict exactly how any situation will evolve, and what the consequences will be.

Sometimes, looking back, we can see positive results that have come out of tragedy, in ways that we could never anticipate. There is a Chinese expression - "Is it good or is it bad? It's too early to know."

We also can forgive others for the ways that they have hurt us. We can remember that people often play out their own painful feelings when they have been triggered by something we have said or done, even unintentionally. Their words or actions can be generated by unresolved issues from their past or fears of the future. They see us through their own unique filter, and our task is not to take their reactions personally. Often, it's not really about us.

In order to free ourselves from carrying someone's pain and anger, we accept and forgive, so destructive tape loops don't play repeatedly in our heads. We forgive, not to condone hurtful words or actions, but to clear our minds and be more fully in the present.

So, we can accept past decisions, and actions that have caused us hurt. We can forgive ourselves, and flood our memories with loving and compassionate feelings. Hanging on to guilt and regret only cripples us in the present.

Paradoxically, we free ourselves when we accept that we are powerless to change the past.

The Future

What else can prevent us from connecting with others more deeply? Perhaps our preoccupation with the future, which can manifest as fear, or dread. We may fear adverse outcomes, loss, loneliness, pain. Our relationships can be marred by these fears. The more we dread the future, the less we can be available to build meaningfully in the present.

This is another exercise in letting go. We can make consistent efforts to trust. We may not be able to control results, but we can control our efforts. As we face those things over which we have no power, we can remember that we are much bigger than the things that happen to us.

So let us fill our presents, for the rewards are great. As we successfully clear away the preoccupations of past and future, our presents open up - as though time slows down, our senses come alive, and all the world seems more vivid. Our connections with others can be more satisfying. Fully here, concentrating on the present, we create richer memories, and gain confidence while preparing for a meaningful future. 

We can create a compelling cycle - replacing old pains, regrets, and fears, with a life well-lived.

Getting To Know You

Sometimes we are suspicious of others, and have aversions to them. This can be because we are unfamiliar or uninformed.

We are a global community. We are inextricably bound together. There really is no “us and them”, there is only “us”.

We internalize this as we allow ourselves more fully to be immersed in the communities of others - especially when we stay long enough to become familiar and then comfortable with their traditions, their dreams, their histories and stories, and their humour.

The whole world can be with us electronically now. As we earnestly seek out broader exposures to the rich diversity of our cultures, our hearts become more open. We see that our similarities with other groups greatly outweigh our differences.

Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge the influence and long term impact of our words and actions.

Alienation is taught. Kindness is also taught. Alienation hurts everyone, sometimes far into the future. Acts of kindness help and heal both the giver and the receiver far into the future.

Dealing With Our Feelings

How do we get more comfortable with other people? We do this, chiefly by becoming more comfortable with ourselves - that is, with our emotions.

Feelings are just fleeting sensations in our bodies. Any emotional pain or discomfort we feel along with them is generated by the story we are telling ourselves at the same time. But we can change the story. We can ride out the sensations.

Feelings well up, and if given sufficient time and attention, they will subside. They will flow through, and out of us, and we can heal. This is a natural process.

How do we do this? We begin by noticing where the feelings reside within us. Do we have tightness in our stomach? In our chest? In our throat? Our back? As we keep focusing on a sensation, we become aware that it is changing, or moving. We can allow the feeling, and follow it as it weakens and dissipates.

Often, as it goes, realizations come to us. Yes, we really are afraid, or angry, or sad. Yes, that situation is really tough! We can listen to the messages that our bodies carry, hear them, and then consciously release their hold.

We are bigger than anything that happens to us. We are still standing. We are still here, and we'll be here long after the sensations have faded. We can go on.

6 Ways to Build Rapport

1. When meeting someone, pay close attention to them for at least a few minutes.

2. Establish eye contact, but not too intensely.

3. Estimate their level of energy, on a scale of 1 to 10, then match it.

4. Keep the conversation about them. Be curious. Ask them non-judgmental questions about their current situation, life, etc.

5. Offer a neutral attitude to any surprising revelations. There are always reasons for what people do. These reasons may not seem connected to the present. A person can be reacting to life from behind a filter that is very real to them. Our responses can be different, yet fundamentally, we all want and need the same things.

6. Continue to listen actively. Offer feeling-based feedback (e.g. "I hear you", "That must be frustrating!", "That's exciting!", etc.)

A Growing Impetus

Leaders around the world are mobilizing. They are speaking out, and writing about the broken divisions in our society.

Educational scholars and other community leaders are creating and endorsing materials that promote positive and healing messages.

Book award groups and reviewers are more focused than ever on publications that promote kindness and understanding.

Parents, caregivers, and teachers are seeking out useful tools to teach communication skills and community-building (Social and Emotional Learning - SEL).

All of us together are charged with shaping the next generation to feel less isolated, less afraid, and less angry.

It is possible to head off hatred and bullying before they start.

Most importantly, we can demonstrate just how much fun getting along can be.

Social Fabric Transformed

For the first time in the history of the world, there are two generations of young people who have been raised with computers. The amount of exposure to screens is revolutionary. The numbers of hours with video games, TV, computers, iPads, and cell phones, etc., are transforming the landscape for todays children and their parents.

While this has created an explosion of knowledge, and unprecedented exposure to the broader world, paradoxically, it has also created a massive yearning for deeper connection and community that cannot be met by text messages, by computer games, or by social media.

Our Bedrock Values

We all need to reclaim and practice our bedrock values – those with which no reasonable person can disagree – values that embody or transcend all other belief systems.

Let us all evaluate our words and actions by these measures:

Are they

Encouraging? Inspiring? Life-Affirming?

Tolerant? Accepting? Forgiving?

Freeing? Healing? Inclusive? Uniting?

Are they Kind? Are they Loving?

As we learn and grow, and make our way imperfectly in the world, let us all respond to one another in these positive ways.